A step forward

Struggle is a part of every person’s life. It often begins for the basic thing and gradually moves on to bigger and more important things.  We begin by trying to talk, walk and learn the simple things in life and slowly move on to the bigger things like being a good child, student, and friend and so on. But the toughest struggle one endures is to become the person they always wanted to be.

I have realized that the struggle to seek oneself is the toughest and the longest one in every person’s life. No matter how hard or how much time one person engages in it, it would never end.  It does not matter what choices me made, which decisions we took, or how many mistakes we made. At the end of the day what matters is how you feel about yourself.  My life has always been a struggle to help me find myself and understand what I expected from myself.  Growing up, I identified and perceived myself as a person based upon the parameters my family, friends and society set for me. I never thought for a split second I could be myself.

Looking back, I see have come very far ahead in my life, further than where I had hoped to be. I have loved and I have lost, but my struggle to love and accept myself has made me feel proud of the person I have become today. I made a lot of mistakes and each mistake was my baby step forward. I have made choices which might seem wrong to others but they have opened up a world of possibilities for me.

 I wish I had made the effort and had the strength to push myself to the limits, when the thought first crossed my mind. But something or someone always held me back.  It pushed me into a space where I had become comfortable and I refused to budge.  Having said that, a tiny voice always nagged me to take a step forward. The voice kept growing louder until I could no longer ignore it.

Today, I do not feel awkward to admit that I was a coward who refused to fight for myself in the beginning. The person that I am today is all because of the people who came into my life when I began my struggle to find myself. Every person who was and to all of them who are still a part of my life has been an integral  and a powerful element who helped me carve myself as the person I have become today.

In the story of my life, every person has been a beautiful chapter with a lesson to be learnt at the end.  When I began to find myself, it was the people with their array of colors and the characters they essayed in different shades helped me see myself in a new light. I have heard that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger and today I find myself the strongest I have ever been.

For the past year, I have tried very hard to write about myself but was always at a loss of words. In a true clichéd manner, I had a writer’s block. I was waiting for something or someone to inspire me.  It was surprising for me when I found the inspiration within myself. The moment I saw myself in a new light, something within me sprang to life. I finally understood that I would never achieve perfection but the voice in my head would always push me towards it.

It means a lot when I say that everyone contributed in helping me build myself. And I do not have enough words to express how grateful I am for the things they did for me. My purpose in writing is to say thanks to everyone. I simply had to let you guys know how much all of mean to me and how you guys have helped me find myself.

I have just begun my journey towards a better and I still have a long way to go. I do not know whether I would ever complete this trip. But one thing I am certain of, every time that I may slow down or think of giving up, I would always remember you and surge ahead with new vigor.

Seeking closure

A few days back I was sifting through my box of memories, reminiscing about life. I was surprised to find that there were a few memories which triggered raw emotions of hurt and pain within me. The emotions that emerged like the incidents had just occurred. I simply failed to understand how I was still being affected in the same manner, since I was supposed to have moved on a long time back.

The irony of the situation was my life clinging and holding on to things that were meant to be let go of. It irked me how I had managed to destroy my life and my peace of mind without realizing it until now. It was at that moment I understood that I needed closure.  Closure is defined as the feeling or act of bringing an unpleasant situation, time or experience to an end so that you are able to start new activities. In simple words, I needed to overcome the incident by seeking answers to the questions that kept haunting me.

I was in an unhappy place and desperately need to get rid of the unpleasantness creeping over me every time I thought of those incidents. I understood seeking closure would not make my problems disappear overnight, but I knew very well that it would make things easier. I knew I needed to help make my walk through my life easier and I had to face my demons. My mind was made up and I asked the questions. Every passing moment pierced my heart, every word created agony. My tears accompanied my voice. And to my surprise my questions remained unanswered.

Although I had no answers, I had got the solution. Those memories had the power to hurt me, because I had not bothered to introspect or question the situation earlier. Had I made the effort, I would have known that the hurt caused to me was a petty issue for the other person. Had I known there would be no accountability, I would have come to terms with things ages back.

All this while, I had blamed myself. Every time I thought of it, I felt I had made the mistake. And today, I figured it wasn’t entirely my fault. Not only had I punished myself I had also paid the price of the mistakes others made. Now that I get this, I realize overlooking the need for closure was not one of the brightest ideas I had had. Because of my folly, I beat myself over things which were never my fault.

Eventually, the lesson I learnt is that; the next time some unpleasant incident happens with me, I shall take some time off to work things out and seek closure. Never again am I going to damage myself because no matter what I have to live for myself in the end. Also for the reason that no one loves and understands me the way I do.

Dear Life

Dear Life,

When I met you, I was at a loss of words.

I was awed by your charm, and amazed at the way you looked.

You embraced me with all you strength

I would wake at your thoughts, and sleep in them too.

And in no time I was in love with you.

The time we spent is etched in my heart.

With fears of losing you reeling my mind.

But we are drifting apart which can’t be denied

The strings binding us are no longer tied.

Your nemesis lurking in the dark has come out in the open.

And my heart and mind are thinking of him often.

He has held out his hand waiting for me.

And united for eternity we both shall be.

Though I loved you, I belong to him.

When I lived for you I often thought of him.

His calmness makes me restless.

I cannot make up mind while he is relentless.

Soon I will have to make up my mind

The day I do, he shall sweep me off my feet.

You will be hurt, but I wasn’t yours to keep.

To friendship and those who made it meaningful

The Oxford dictionary describes a ‘loner’ as an isolated person. I am basically a ‘loner’ in my mind and my heart always wants to be around people. But I would still describe myself as a loner, the reason is being an introvert in my mind gives me the edge I need most of the times. I get ample time and space to get a better understanding of a lot of things. But my heart longs and craves for people for the simple reasons that I love talking to people and learning more about them and also from them.

Over the time I realized that these two elements ‘introversion’ and ‘extroversion’ just like the two sides of a coin are a part of every individual; in varying ways. Keeping in mind the string of thought I never realized that I had begun isolating myself from everyone in the true meaning of the word. And to be precise, I became a follower of the thought ’mind over matter’ . I began depending upon my mind for the simplest decision.

Like I mentioned earlier I learnt a very valuable lesson a few days back. It was a day where I listened to my heart after a really long time.  Until that day if I was put in a group, I would often lock myself up in my mind and blend into the surrounding. I would try my best at being invisible and keenly observe others around me. But that day was different and a memorable one at that, I spent it with a few people whom I had never known earlier.

These people were complete strangers at the first glance and yet not so strange in the other. I saw that all of them were different but were similar too. The thing that made me ponder was that even though all of them might have not known each other very well they all had one thing in common – friendship. Friendship has often been clichéd, overhyped, understated but in the end it is not something that can be acquired.

The people I am talking about didn’t know the first thing about me but I was welcomed amongst them with warm smiles. In the time that we spent, we laughed, joked, teased, celebrated, swapped stories and went complete bonkers. During that period not once did I feel like an outsider they made it easy to fit in. I also never thought I would have so much fun with people I barely knew. All I could feel was relaxed, happy and found it was easy to shed inhibitions.

These were people who helped me understand myself and taught me what mattered in life. They were in oblivion about the things they were teaching me. I don’t know how I would thank them for making a difference in my life.  Today, I feel more confident and find it easier to open up to people.

I realized that though every person is different externally, all of them share the same instinct internally. And some of the things I learnt –

To have a good time people don’t need friends always all that is required is the need to have a good time.

You don’t need to fit into a crowd perfectly; all it takes is the willingness to be a part of it.

All the people I meet might not become friends, but the fact that I met them will be an experience in itself.

And lastly, I came to the conclusion that I need to stop my mind from overworking overtime and let my heart do the same for a change.

In conclusion, I would like to say that all of you have taught me the most wonderful lesson in my life and reintroduced me to friendship, love and care something that was fading with time and all of you will always be special to me.

A lesson Learnt

I have always believed that there is a lesson to be learnt for all of us in each passing day. There is something for us to learn, on a daily basis in one way or another.  But as always, we are engrossed in the woes, worries and miseries of our lives because of which we tend to overlook these lessons.

How many times in our lives have we done the following things –?

Helped a blind man cross the road.

Occupied a restless child with some silly tricks on a bus journey.

Given up our seat for another person.

Bought a cup of tea for a beggar who begged for a few pennies so he could have eaten or drank something.

These things are often called acts of random kindness. But the question that irks me is even though these actions are done by most of us, was it really kindness that these actions of mine were based upon? Did I ever help anyone without an interest of personal gain? The actions I mentioned above have been done by me for some kind of personal satisfaction which tells me I helped someone making me feel better about myself.

The blind man didn’t really need my help; I helped him because for me he is a disabled person.

I occupied the restless child with silly tricks because I knew deep down that if the child cried my entire journey would be tiresome for me as no one likes a cranky child next to them.

I have bought a cup of tea for a beggar because I didn’t want to give him money with a thought that he might have been lying about being hungry.

 I have given up my seat for old people and pregnant women which might have been a good deed but I doubt I have given it to a school kid or another person who might have needed it just because I have bought a ticket and a seat is my right.

A friend of mine said that these so called acts of random kindness are done for selfish motives and primarily because of ‘public perception’. Obviously, one would not get much appreciation for letting a kid sit down, than one does when the same seat is offered to a pregnant lady – all about public perception.

But today something changed. I realized something that I should have known all along. Random kindness isn’t about helping someone it is about understanding another human beings plight. Had I held different perceptions about my action before I did them I would have never felt so ashamed and disappointed in myself as I did today.

While returning home from college I noticed a family of four who grabbed my attention. The father appeared to have an injured leg. He was being supported by his two young sons, the eldest not more than 15 and the younger one barely 10. His wife was a frail lady who led the way carrying their luggage and a concerned look. Every few steps she would stop and glance at her injured husband and young sons. On nearing the foot over bridge, the family was stumped. There were roughly 30 stairs which had to be climbed and neither the wife nor the sons were strong enough to support the man. The man sat down on the stairs, while his family figured out how to cross over the bridge.

While all of this was happening, I was seeing them through the window of the local train. My mind was reeling with numerous things in that moment. I wanted to help them but so many thoughts in my mind held me back –

How could I help when I myself wasn’t strong enough?

Would they appreciate my helping them?

How would it look?

May be I should wait and see if they can manage, in case they cannot then I shall go and help.

In case I did go and help them I might reach home later than I planned with only a few minutes left for the train to depart.

I was thinking all these things while I was watching them struggle through the window. Finally, I somehow made up my mind to help, gathered the courage to go but before I could take a step towards them I found out I hadn’t managed to do anything. The reason I never made it over to them were two things.

 Firstly, the man realizing his situation and his circumstances began dragging himself up the stairs. He did the best he could about his situation in the only way he could. He did not even think twice about the onlookers and passerby’s who saw them, their difficulty, and their struggle but like me did nothing.

Secondly, I could do nothing because I realized it was too late for me to go and help them. I blamed myself because rather than thinking about helping them I should have just gone and helped. And even if I had gone to help him now, it would have looked like an action out of pity and sympathy which he clearly did not need.

With these thoughts my train departed and I was left with a lot of things to ponder about. I realized I wasn’t expected to do anything, the least I could have done was asked if I could help them. I should have done these things not for any other reason but for the simple fact that just going over and asking if I could help them would have been the tiniest, simplest, and most selfless deed I could have done. That would have been a true act of kindness. May be I wasn’t strong enough but I could have approached someone else who could have in turn helped them.  I also wondered what I would have felt had I been in their place.

Everyone has dignity and self respect. They didn’t ask for help but their faces showed their despair. I realized my education, my ethics, beliefs; morals were useless if I hadn’t helped someone who genuinely needs it. Their faces are etched in mind, a constant reminder of how I failed myself today.

Now I understand how the actions I mentioned earlier would have been different.

I should have helped the blind man because I could see the signal turning green at the junction, or guiding him to the correct bus.

I should have occupied the child because I loved children and understood the mother probably needed relaxation as much as I did.

I should have bought the cup of tea because the beggar really was hungry.

I should have given my seat to the school kid because I saw him tug his heavy bag along, another commuter who looked exhausted or was feeling unwell.

Had this been my thoughts, today would have been different. I would not achieve anything but the satisfaction that I made a difference in somebody’s life. And hope that the person I helped would remember me and help somebody else in return.

True to my beliefs I indeed learnt a very valuable lesson today.